The New Sky Box and the Logic Gene

It seems to me that the great populace can be divided into two kinds – those blessed with the logic gene … and those without.

For the record, and without any ounce of shame, I confess that I fall fairly and squarely into the latter category, proven by the fact that I can rarely remember where I park my car, and even, on occasions, whether I arrived by car or not. That, and the fact I am on first name terms with the extensive remote IT service that sorts out our computers.

Clearly the Great Creator was addressing a familial weakness when in blessing said logic gene to a disproportionate number of my family – and a couple of them are maths genii – it was making sure that my unique genes would be celebrated in other areas. That those other areas are yet to be appreciated by those with the logic gene is quite another matter.

But did the Great Creator ever imagine that the granting of the logic gene (the primal reason being, I guess, that cave dwellers might be able to work out the best angle to attack a boar) would evolve into a facility which would enable us to install a Sky Box?

Four members of my immediate and extended family – hithertho known as “the Bandits” – for their nonchalant ability to “bandy” around words and phrases that are, and probably will remain an anathema to me, are deliberating over wires and connections and standing on stools in order to install the NEW SKY BOX.

And I watch on in some dismay and bemusement as words such as “Ethernet” and “HDMI cables” “static 7P” “IP Address” “Router” (which from a journalism background always defaults in my mind to Reuters, “TV Catch Up” and “Sky Go” are discussed with all the apparent ease of a recipe for grilled bacon.

So, after watching this foreign language being acted out, I proffer what seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable observation. I ask “what do normal people do when they need to change a Sky Box” – ie when there are no bandits around to do it for them? The great Sage Bandit, without a note of irony, tells me that it is in fact they who are the ones that are normal – implying, clearly, that I am not. Which, for the record, is regarded as a compliment by me.

My great excuse in all this is that my logic is perhaps more accurate than they are willing to accept. Given that technology changes so rapidly I consider it foolish to learn the ins and outs of one contraption only to find that the next model is around the corner effectively and immediately rendering defunct, the prequel.

Indeed it seems that only when one device has completely given up the ghost for another will I move forward. I’m thinking Dial A Disc here – the radical telephone service provided by the Post Office during the 60s and 70s which enabled us to jive like bunnies and sing along to a looped hit parade song while standing with the phone rammed to our ear. Then the cassette player put paid to that.

So when in a moment of divine inspiration I suggest to the bandits that my reason for hanging on to my brick of a mobile is in preparation for the launch of the iphone 6, or 7 or 8 the great Sage Bandit amuses himself by telling me “not to bother, you won’t know how to turn it on.”

So now we have a new Sky Box and I am really none the wiser about its functions, except that I have to think about which buttons to push on the remote a little more thoughtfully than I had done previously.

But as with all developments let it be known that installation is not without its downside. For all its sophisiticated settings – Catch Up – HD – On Demand etc – The Peter Kay Special, which was designated a programme to PERMANENTLY KEEP on the old Sky Box, has disappeared down that new ethereal cable, somewhere, and no amount of logic gene seems to be able to resurrect it.

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